I Guess They Didn't Get Together In The End
by desassossego
Summary: Blaine didn't think he had the right to win Kurt back so he stopped trying. When Kurt was finally ready to give them another chance if Blaine ever asked him to and when Blaine didn't, Kurt convinced himself he had said "no" too many times. They grew together again with simply accommodating to the safety of their friendship, but friendship is never enough for soulmates, right?
1. Chapter 1

This is how it went:

When Kurt and Adam broke up and Blaine moved to New York, Blaine thought that was their second chance.

Blaine did it all: the romantic Come What May duet in the roof, the surprise one hundred roses in his apartment, serenade out in the rain, the little plane with a message, a graffiti in a nearby building, even a singing dwarf.

And, although Kurt longed for Blaine, missed him more than anything, and wanted nothing more than accept him back, he just couldn't trust his ex-boyfriend anymore.

When Kurt looked at Blaine he saw the man he loved, he saw those full lips he wanted to kiss so badly, he saw that gelled down hair that he always wanted to break free and run his hands through, he saw those warm hazel eyes that used to give me so much comfort, so much peace, so much love, that made him understand and believe in love, discover that is nothing quite like having a soul mate, a best friend to be there beside them for better and for worse. Those warm hazel eyes that gave him a taste of heaven and made him believe in forever.

But above all he saw the man who broke him.

Maybe it was his fault after all, for being too naive or too immature. When he got used to the feeling of loving and being loved he convinced himself that it was forever. Blaine was the love of his life and nothing could ever get them apart, they would grow old together without a scratch in their relationship, 'cause they were perfect.

That's why he was broken when Blaine cheated on him, because his bobble of happiness, endless dreams and blind trust was cruelly popped without warning.

In some way and for a long time, he became a shadow of his former self after that.

And while Blaine worked his sorry ass out to win Kurt's trust back, the older boy was left with the unbearable confusion of his broken heart: he wanted nothing more than to have Blaine back, for them to start building a new life together in the city of their dreams, but could never look at him without feeling hurt, betrayed and insecure.

He also felt like he didn't know who he was at all. He had been Blaine's boyfriend for so long that he forgot to discover himself in the process.

So in Blaine's first year at NYADA and his second, Kurt did his best to assemble his self, to find out what he really wanted to do, who he was, what he liked and disliked.

Turned out, NYADA didn't work that well and in the middle of his second year, he gave up his teenage dream of Broadway, went back to vogue and got himself into NYU , taking a major in fashion design and a minor in psychology.

He discovered himself and conquered his confidence along the way.

Even with all these transformations, one thing kept unchanging: his need to have Blaine close by. But that was a bittersweet wish: even though Kurt needed his best friend around, when he was with Blaine he couldn't stop thinking about what he had lost.

So, for the first year they swayed between being friends, Blaine spilling out his feelings and his sorrow, begging him for forgiveness and Kurt running away in fear of taking another change. They wouldn't talk for a month or two until one of them reached out and started the cycle one more time.

It took a whole of two years and a lot of therapy on both sides for them to be friends again.

After a while, Kurt was able to put everything in perspective and understand that they had been young and stupid, they had both made mistakes, that Blaine was only human and probably his own idea of love was a bit too utopian and unrealistic to be practical.

Blaine was able to understand that he could never change what Kurt was feeling and that he could only forgive himself and make sure Kurt new exactly how he felt. He also came to terms with the idea that their moment had passed and that the important thing was their friendship.

Basically, Blaine stopped trying to fix things with Kurt, because didn't think he had the right to keep pushing the issue. Their friendship was the thing he treasured most in the world and he couldn't keep jeopardizing it in favor of his selfish feelings, so if Kurt didn't love him, he had to accept it.

And when Kurt was open to the idea of trying again if Blaine ever asked him to and when Blaine didn't he convinced himself that he had lost his chance by saying no too many times and therefore Blaine was no longer interested in getting back together with him.

So… yeah… I guess they didn't get together in the end.

But this process was so organic that there were no hard feelings or tension between them, they grew closer together as friends and became each other's "person" with simply accommodating to the safety of their friendship.

All this to get where we are now: year of 2019, both relatively fresh out of college, Blaine working on his first off Broadway star role and singing whenever and wherever possible and Kurt preparing his first collection, no longer an intern in after being promoted to Isabelle's personal assistant he was also writing for their website every week. He still kept in touch and often worked with his favorite psychology teacher on the weekends and a few days of the week as well.

Things weren't perfect: both males still struggle with rent, Kurt was feeling insecure about the quality of his designs and Blaine feared never reaching Broadway, but the tables were turning and the future looked promising enough to keep their hopes and spirits high.

And above all, they had each other.

They lived almost across the street from one another and until this day kept a few rituals they wouldn't give up easily: Thursday night movie and dinner, morning coffee in their street's Starbucks, pre and post date reunions to decide what to wear and later on dish about how awful it had been, Christmas duets in NYC, soup when sick and chocolate when heartbroken and they both had a really cheesy and borderline insane addiction to post cards. More often than not, when one of them wanted to say anything to the other, rather than sending a boring text message, they would slip a postcard under the door saying random things like "There's an off Broadway company doing a musical version of The Hobbit on the Waddington Theater. We. Must. Go." or "Did you ever notice the florist owner down the street has only 4 fingers?". Blaine's studio/office's walls were actually entirely covered by postcards from Kurt.

**OoO**

This Thursday, Kurt woke up to the sound of the coffee machine and the smell of eggs. Even with the appealing treats in the kitchen, it took a whole 15 minutes for him to gather the courage to get out of bed.

On Thursdays, in order of him being able to take the afternoon off to help out in his teacher's office, he had to be in headquarters before 7am. That meant his alarm usual went off before 6.

Grumpy and dragging, he made his way through his apartment and found Blaine in the kitchen, fixing him a place of eggs and pancakes and pouring him some coffee.

- Good Morning Sunshine!

- Shut Up.

- Oh, me? I'm fine thanks for asking! How are you?

- Please, die. – Kurt grunts and throws his head on the table - How are you even able to function this early?!

Only then he noticed the disheveled look of his best friend, the faint scent of second handed smoke and alcohol. He was dressed in a pair of tight dark jeans tucked in his signature black boots, black shirt and red cardigan. Night-out clothes, Kurt quickly figured.

- I don't even have words for the contempt I feel for you right now.

- I love you too. Eat your breakfast and drink your coffee.

- Don't tell me what to do.

Nevertheless, Kurt attack his plate like it was a slice of heaven and ate in silence. He welcomed the coffee in his veins with a happy sigh as he began feeling human again.

Blaine chuckled, this was more amusing than anything else. He was one the few who were able to see the always put-together Kurt Hummel in this tousled and grumpy manner.

- Oh how I love good food in the morning, thank you.

- My pleasure. Rachel's still asleep?

- Yeah, I think she doesn't need to be in the theater for the next 3 days. How was your night?

- Great! I actually met someone. That's kind of the reason why I'm here…

Kurt frowned out of curiosity and looked up from his plate to his best friend.

- His name is Jacob and he's studying… - he seemed to struggle to remember - …art and he's really nice and we had a great time and he invited me over for dinner in his place…

Blaine paused not knowing how to continue and looked expectantly to Kurt in hopes that he would figure it out.

- Yay for you Blaine! – Kurt said a little bit sarcastically, not knowing what his friend was expecting him to say.

- Well, the problem is the dinner thing is tonight.

Kurt's expression felt for a second, after all this was their thing: take-out, popcorn, soda and movie snuggles every Thursday night. But he pulled himself together quickly and said:

- Well, we wouldn't want you missing a great fuck with an artist, would we?

Blaine smiled broadly and got next to the stool Kurt was seated on and hugged his friend.

- You're the best! I promise I make it up to you! I'll you take out for dinner tomorrow, what do you say?

- Whatever, as long as I'm having lobster.

- Wherever you want! I won't even point out the fact that you don't like lobster.

Kurt smiled, hugged his friend and told him to have fun. He then proceeded to slap Blaine's butt and say:

- Now, get out of my face, I'm getting late 'cause of ya!

Blaine smiled and kissed him on the cheek.

- Have fun at work.

- You too, lovebird!

- Love you.

- Love too.

When Kurt was leaving the house later that morning, he found a postcard in his entry mat. It was an old picture of Times Square in black and white that said "Goo' Old Days" and on the back, Blaine had written:

"Thank you for letting me fuck an artist tonight. I'll pick you up at 7pm tomorrow. From down the street, with love. Blaine."

Kurt laughed all the way to the subway and was still smiling when he reached . This was nice. Their friendship was nice. At this point it felt like home, it was his secure place to come back when everything around him crumbled and he loved everything about their relationship: the trust, the intimacy, the ease… He didn't have to worry about the complications of a romantic relationship. He was perfectly happy with the way things had turned out. Really, he was…

**OoO**

Five months later found Kurt doing spring cleaning, balanced on a chair trying to reach the top shelves of his living room.

He was humming to himself and soon his babbling became more coherent as he began singing the female part of Baby It's Cold Outside, faintly remembering doing the same thing many years ago in a rich looking room with a rich looking guy.

He could easily hear the instrumental in his head, so he followed it.

- I really can stay,

I've got to go away,

This welcome has been,

So very nice.

He jumped from his chair only to pick it up again and move it to the far end of the bookcase and hopping up onto it again.

- My mother will start to worry.

Then a voice came from behind him.

- Beautiful what's your hurry?

Blaine came into view and leaned on the door frame, wearing a rather mischievous smile.

Kurt is momentarily startled as he looks down to his best friend's kind of waiting expression, but he's soon amused by the interruption and joins in their duet.

- My father will be pacing the floor.

- Listen to the fireplace roar.

- So really I'd better scurry.

- Beautiful please don't hurry.

- But maybe just half a drink more.

In that moment they could swear they heard music coming into the studio apartment joining them as they began the silly and obviously flirty duet much similar to the one they had done in Dalton that many years ago. They spin around in a sort of choreographed rat vs. mouse game and go as far as dancing something reminding a waltz in the little instrumental break. They look and sound overly affectionate like they mean for it to be overplayed and acted but sometimes, without either of them noticing, there's an authenticity feel to their words and actions, there is a line of truth beneath the act.

They end up in the exact same position as 8 years ago: pressed together in the couch, still feeling the second handed emotions of the part they played during the song. But with that feeling disappearing rapidly, the two friends are left with the incredible need to do or say something else. Notwithstanding, the scene doesn't really get an awkward status because it only takes a tiny second for them to easily and quickly shrug it off.

It's not awkward because they know each other too well, have been friends for too long, are intimate enough and perfectly satisfied with their relationship status for it not to be awkward.

Or so they make themselves believe every time things get a little uncomfortable or too personal…

Kurt stands, smiles down at his friend and tells him in a truthfully nonchalant way:

- Hell that was random! But your acting is getting much better, I almost believed it!

It's supposed to sound like a joke, almost a tease, but Blaine's semblance falls a little bit.

- Do you want coffee? I just made some. – Kurt offers.

- Yeah, sure!

Back in the kitchen, sitting in the stools by the counter, Kurt asks:

- So, what do you want?

- Uh?

- Oh please, you wouldn't be here this early if you didn't want something!

- It's half past ten.

- Again: too early. You're usually going to bed at this time.

- Ah. Ah. Ah. – Blaine said, mocking funny – We've woken up so funny and cleaver haven't we?! I guess with that perspicacity, I don't even have to tell you why I came, you'll just figure it out with your mind-reading powers and tell me!

- Don't push me, you know I could probably do it.

Blaine gives up his act and smiles.

- Yeah, I know. Well, I'll just cut right to it, I know you only take redundant bullcrap from paying patients, I need your help with Jacobs' birthday present.

Kurt is slightly surprised.

- Ooookay… When is his birthday?

Blaine is slightly embarrassed.

- Yesterday.

- Uh? His birthday is yesterday?

- Well, it technically was yesterday, I kind of forgot... BUT we 're only going to dinner to celebrate today, so hopefully he'll never know.

Kurt breathes deeply and closes his eyes. When he opens them again he smiles almost maniacally, obviously faking.

- You know, I could get really pissed with you right now, but I'll choose not to for the sake of all those inner peace and self-control posters in my work office – He pauses and closes his eyes again – Walk the walk, walk the walk! – He mutters to himself. - And because it's not really my business how you treat your boyfriend.

- You know I've been really busy at work with the opening night approaching…

- That's no excuse, we both know it Blaine… – Kurt says, sounding truly understanding.

- You're right… – Blaine admits rather shamefully – But will you help me? I have no clue what to give him and you're always the best at gift shopping!

- Flattery will get you everywhere, Mister Anderson – Kurt smiles - I guess I could postpone my afternoon appointments…

Blaine smiles and bobs a little in his stool.

- You're the best, you know that right?

- Of course.

- I need to get going now, I'm sorry, I need to stop by the theater for some – he does air quotes – "last minute fittings". I swear to God, that director is going to end up having me playing the lead in only my underwear at this rhythm. But I'll buy you lunch, okay? And then we can go shopping! Yay!

- Ok, ok! But don't think you can buy my help with some crappy mall lunch, you still owe me!

- I know, I know, you deserve lobster for this one - He gets up and heads for the door. - See you in a few!

When he's already in the outside hall, he hears Kurt call from the kitchen.

-Hey! – He leans out of the door to the hall– Call the florist, have them deliver a bouquet of white roses and wild flowers to his work.

He throws him the little florist card and Blaine catches it to his chest. He looks down at it and smiles largely, looks up still smiling and mouths a "Thank You" before he leaves.

**OoO**

In the busy halls of the mall, they walk out of the food quarters and talk animatedly about the musical Blaine is doing and some crazy patients that Kurt is treating.

- … and that's how I learned to never touch a OCD patient in the shoulder!

Blaine has tears in his eyes from laughing. Kurt is always so funny when he talks about his patients. What's even more fantastic is that inside his office, he's the most professional and understanding therapist you'll ever meet and he only dishes about his patients' diseases and funny outbursts, never their personal information or dramas, so it's only a half bit reproving.

- But back to your present! Let's lay out your options, 'kay?

- 'kay!

- What abooouuut… a watch? It's safe, it's classic. You can have it personalized with something meaningful like how Carrie did for Big in the Sex And The City movie, uh?

- I don't think we're there yet.

Kurt stops in his tracks and gives him a look.

- You've been dating for over five months now.

- I wouldn't call it so much as dating.

Kurt ignores him and continues.

- He already gave you the key to his house.

- I didn't ask him to give it to me.

Kurt still ignores him and continues.

- He does your laundry.

Blaine finally sees his point:

- Well, I guess we are getting a little serious.

Kurt gives him another look, shakes his head and starts walking again towards the shop's aisles. Blaine does a little jog and catches up with his friend.

- What?!

- You know damn well "what"!

- Oh please, not another "I think you're afraid of commitments" talk, spare me!

- You're the one who asked! And if you hate that talk so much, I think that's the perfect reason for me to repeat it: you can't keep doing this to the guys you date! They are always way ahead of you! Even now, Jacob is probably thinking you're the one for him and, while clearly not having the courage to ask you to move in just yet, he gives you the key to his house as a clear sign that he wants you to be future Mr. Jacob Artist Anderson. Meanwhile, you don't even think you're "actually dating".

- I can't help the way I feel.

- You're right, you can't. But you also can't lead Jacob on this way. Be honest with him, it's all I'm saying. If you're unhappy, tell him! If you're happy but you want to take things slower, tell him! If you only want casual sex, tell him! But wanting casual and acting like you want a notebook retiring home with swans ending is… is asshole jar worthy, man!

At this point, Kurt was almost screaming with his friend. He couldn't help it. We tried to convince himself that his outburst was simply due to the morally reproving acts of his friend. It was merely Kurt trying to persuade Blaine to do the right thing, to be a good boyfriend, 'cause he knows for a fact that Blaine can do better.

If he wasn't so afraid of looking deeper into his feelings, he would figure out that he's also upset because Blaine has left him to be a crappy boyfriend to someone else. Deep in his mind he thinks that, in the end, it wasn't really worth it, 'cause neither of them is living the love of their lives and being 100% happy.

As for Blaine, he is shocked to say the least. But the shock quickly fades into disappointment and anger. He's so sick and tired of this talk. Hell, he knows what he's doing, but he just can't help it. Relationships never came easy for him. (Well, except maybe for one, but that doesn't matter anymore). We always finds himself having to force his words and acts for the sake of his boyfriends' feelings, it's like his love wears out easily and quickly and from then on he has to pretend.

- You know what? This was a bad idea. I thought I could have a fun afternoon shopping with my best friend without being judge and lecture! But I guess you can never leave the psychologist at home, can you? Well, guess what? I'm not paying you!

And with that he was gone, leaving Kurt alone and speechless in the busy hall.

**OoO**

That day, before leaving for dinner (with an art book wrapped up and under his arm), Blaine found a card on his front door's mat.

It was obnoxiously pink with hearts and bears in the front cover, surely something from Valentine's Day. Right beside a particularly dreadful smiling bear, Kurt had written:

"Roses are red,

Violets are blue…"

Blaine opened the card and inside Kurt continued with:

"I'm an asshole…

And so are you"

Complete with a rudimentary drawing of two sad-faced stick men labeled "Asshole #1" and "Asshole #2" and a P.S. note that read:

"I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to sound or look judgmental, you know it's just my natural bitch face (side effect of being this beautiful). Please forgive me. Coffee and homemade cupcakes to redeem myself? Tomorrow? My place? LY."

Blaine smiled despite himself. Kurt had been forgiven the moment he had reached the mall's parking lot, but he had been too proud to come back so he decided to keep on with his facade Moreover, it was always fun to make his best friend suffer a little bit, 'cause he always came up with original ideas to apologize out of guilt he was feeling.

He still remembers that one time Kurt covered his car with multicolored post-its saying: "I'M SORRY! P.S. I'm still right". Blaine chuckled at the memory. He really liked this, their friendship. At this point it was the only thing he was sure of, the thing he knew would always be there no matter what. He was perfectly happy with the way things had turned out. Really, he was…


	2. Chapter 2

Hi there!

I guess I should say a few words, but I'll be quick 'cause I know no one likes long chapter notes.

This is not only my first story but also my first time writing at all, so I apologize in advance for any incongruities with the plot or the characters build and all that scientific stuff you need to look after. Also, and very important, English is not my first language so there will be mistakes, just don't be too hard on me, I'm only doing this to fool my insomnia.

Feel free to check my tumblr: justtryingtomakeit.

Oh I guess I need to do some kind of disclaimer, right? right! I DO NOT own any rights to any of these characters, they ARE NOT mine. (otherwise, Glee would be much better different)

* * *

That night (or early morning) Kurt woke up with his phone ringing. Before answering, he looked to the clock on his bedside table. 3 A.M.

- What the…?

Kurt quickly turned on his bedside lamp and picked up his phone, his heart already hammering with worry. His first thought was his dad. Another heart attack. Cancer again. Accident. Or maybe it was Blaine…

- Blaine?! – Kurt answered, seeing the name displayed on the phone.

- Kurt?! I'm sorry! – Blaine's words were slurred and kind of muffed.

- Blaine? Are you ok? Have you been drinking?

- No! Well, kind of! I'm sorry. I'm sorry for waking you! I woke you up, didn't I? I'm sorry…

- What happen?!

- I'm really sorry… for everything. You know that, don't you?

- Stop apologizing! Tell me what happened. Are you harmed?

Blaine paused to think about what to say or how to say it.

- We broke up.

There was silence between them while Kurt cursed under his breath, running his left hand through his hair.

- Where are you? I'm coming to get you.

**oOo**

An hour later, back in Kurt's apartment, Blaine was curled up in the couch with a half eaten piece of cheesecake in one hand and a cup of coffee in another.

They haven't shared a word since Kurt found him outside some unremarkable bar. He knew, sooner rather than later, his friend was going spill everything so he didn't need to push the issue and risk hurting him.

Meanwhile the silence was comforting for Blaine. He knew Kurt was giving him his space while still being caring and loving. He all but dragged him along the street to his apartment, gave him his last piece of cheesecake, his favorite comfort blanket and put some Roxy Music on.

With his back to the living room, Kurt was preparing some tea for himself when Blaine finally broke the silence.

- He said he loved me.

The older boy flinched a little. _Love. That was a powerful word to be said._

- He said it and I said thank you.

Kurt couldn't help but chuckle a little.

- Well, I can kind of see why he got so upset. – He said trying to lighten the mood. It didn't really work.

- I don't understand Kurt! What's wrong with me? What's my problem?

Kurt returned from the kitchen area with his tea and sat down beside Blaine, putting a hand on his shoulder. Physical contact was still a touchy subject between them (no pun indented) when their emotions were all over the place like right now.

- There's nothing wrong with you honey!

Blaine smiled faintly at the endearment.

- You just haven't found the right person to properly fall in love with.

- No, I'm the problem. It's like I'm dead inside! I… I see a guy and I can perfectly if he's gorgeous or ugly, I can appreciate his sense of humor, his intelligence and in the start I even want to discover more about him and I want to have sex with him, - he pulls Kurt by his sweater as if to try and properly convince him - really I do. But it's like that interest fades like a burning candle and I'm left hollow. I think I'm… I'm broken Kurt.

Kurt's heart clenched for his friend. He had met Blaine when he was different, when he just dove in relationships and blindly followed his heart. Hell, he still remembered the whole GAP fiasco. But now, ever since the two of them broke up, it's like Blaine is unable of freely and utterly love, of giving himself unconditionally to another person.

Above all, Kurt can't help but feel a little guilty. Maybe he was the one who broke Blaine.

He moved a little closer to the teary ball of limbs he had in front of him and put his hand under his friend's chin to lift his head up.

- Blaine, look at me. Look at me, please!

Blaine looks up, into Kurt's eyes.

- There is nothing wrong with you, you're not broken and you're not dead inside. You're one of the kindest people I know. You give flowers to strangers, you help old ladies cross the street, you give your last dollars to the guitar player down the street and you cry every time you make me watch Armageddon.

- Oh God, when Harry Stamper says goodbye to his daughter, that's just gratuitous cruelty. – Blaine cries out.

Kurt chuckles for a moment (drunk Blaine has always been the funniest kind of Blaine). But he turns serious in a moment for the sake of his best friend's broken heart.

- The point is, you have a huge heart, and we both know how capable you are of loving.

There's a slightly uncomfortable silence as both males realize just what Kurt meant. Kurt is the first to punch the awkward away when he gets up and stretches his hands in the direction of Blaine and waves his fingers in a grabby manner.

- Come on, let's get you to bed. You can sleep in my bed, I'll sleep in Satan's room, she's out sleeping with whomever, I don't really know.

Blaine takes his hands and gets up, but wobbles a little when he's finally standing, actually having to hold onto Kurt to keep himself from falling. Kurt hugs/grabs his friend the best he can, until Blaine nuzzles his neck, inhaling deeply.

- You smell so good Kurtie! You've always had. It's like jasmine and vanilla and cinnamon and coffee all together. You should bottle it and sell it!

- Ok Jean Baptiste, let's go now.

Kurt drags Blaine to his room, throws him in his bed, takes off his jacket and shoes and tucks him inside the covers. He's leaving the room but he can't keep himself from looking back at Blaine, huddle up in his bed, looking so small, so young and fragile. Something deep inside of him stirs, but he pushes away the nagging longing feeling, thinking it sure is just the second-handed pain from what the poor boy have been through.

He doesn't think about how the image of Blaine in his own bed takes him back to the first time they slept together in that bed, moments after Blaine had told him he had cheated on him or how, for months, all he wanted was to take back that first bad memory and replace it with a happy one. He doesn't think about how his bed is probably going to smell like Blaine for days and how that's probably going to help him sleep better.

Instead, he backs away from the room and shuts the door carefully. He closes his eyes for a minute as to reassure his step, takes a deep breath to clear his head and gets to the next room to spend a sleepless night in a far too big, far too strange bed.

**oOo**

In the morning, Blaine opens his eyes and quickly realizes that, the pounding sound that has awakened him is actually his head punishing him for a rough night.

- Ouch, please don't do this to me. I swear to God I won't drink again.

- What a cliché hun. Try something like: "I'm a total twat for getting drunk over someone who doesn't deserve me".

Blaine looks up (far too quickly for his head taste) and sees Santana seating on Kurt's bureau chair.

- Oh God, please, not her! – He lets his body fall on the bed again, covering his head with the blankets.

- Kurt had to go to work, something about a crazy ginger making someone cry, I don't know, so you're left with aunt Santy, isn't that great? – She finishes talking in a sick childlike way.

Blaine is slightly thrown off by Kurt's absence. He needs him. But that is quickly forgotten when he feels the contents of his stomach making way into his mouth.

Thankfully Santana was ready for that and handles him a bucket, rubbing his shoulder until he's finished.

- There, there, it's all better now, right?

- Oh just marvelous! – Blaine says, his words dripping with irony. – I need a shower.

- Kurt said you might. He picked you some of his clothes and asked me to tell you, and I quote: "Get your ass in the shower, it will feel much better". Oh and he also asked me to give you this – she hands him a card – now, I have to run out, I'm late for work and I'm too old to babysit, but there's your water and some aspirin – she points towards Kurt's bedside table – and in the kitchen there are scrambled eggs and coffee. Make yourself at home! Bu-bye!

And with that she is gone.

Blaine looks to the card in his hands. It's a very beautiful picture of Parisian street and in the back it reads:

"I'm so sorry I couldn't be there when you woke up! My OCD patient got into a bit of trouble in the cheesecake factory and I had to do damage control. Call me as soon as you're up, let's do something today, 'kay? Stay strong and think happy things! Love You".

After showering, drinking what felt like 10 gallons of water and taking the beloved aspirin, he found himself wandering in the empty apartment, picking up some objects like he was seeing them for the first time, reading random pages from random books, having a peek on Kurt's designs, dancing along some music he had turned on the record player.

Truth is: he didn't really want to go back to his house. If he really had to be alone, he preferred this kind of loneliness: one that smelled of jasmine and vanilla and that held so many pleasant memories.

He couldn't quite believe he and Jacob were broken up.

But more than that, he couldn't quite understand why he was feeling so… ok with it.

Yeah it was a bummer. Looking back he still flinched at the memory of Jacob screaming at him in the middle of the small bar. Everybody watching as he cried and yelled felling obviously hurt and broken. He felt guilty, for sure, but you would expect that after 5 months with someone, a break-up would hurt more than a "little bummer" hurts.

- What is wrong with me? – He repeated out loud, but was greeted only by silence.

**OoO**

As for Kurt, his day was being utter and complete hell.

After hours of negotiation with the cheesecake factory owner, the man finally agreed not to press charges for all the mess Miss Ginger OCD had caused that morning. Then there were another couple of hours to calm the frenetic woman down enough for her to be able to get in the subway with her boyfriend.

OCD nightmare.

By lunch time he got a call from Isabelle asking him to be in the headquarters in half an hour to direct the fashion shoot for the next edition. Apparently she had a problem in her expensive apartment and wouldn't be able to get there on time. Something along the lines of: broken sink, flooded wooden floor, Louboutins in great danger, pissed off downstairs neighbor.

That misfortune brought him what was sure one of the greatest opportunities in the fashion industry he could ask for. This was the shoot for the main article that Isabelle and he had been working their asses off for the past month. Everything was already lined up, but it was a great responsibility to direct it by himself nevertheless.

When the end of his long day arrived he was completely exhausted, but satisfied. That kind of satisfaction that only comes when you kick major ass at your first photo shoot for . He was confident enough in his work, but the thought of the Anna Wintour's scrutiny still gave him chills. Fingers crossed.

He had been so distracted with the overflowing pride/tiredness/exhaustion and all the 7 hundred other emotions going through his mind and body when he got home late that night, that he didn't even bother checking to see if any of his roommates were inside the house. He went straight to the bedroom, stripped down to his underwear, picked up a fresh towel, and was on his way to the bathroom when a gasp startled him.

He turned on his heels to see Blaine, laid down in his bed, but perched up on his elbows, shirtless, wearing one of his sweatpants and literally gapping at him.

There was a moment of obvious awkward silence, until:

- Uh… I'm still here. – He said after what felt like an eternity - _Wow, Blaine, you deserve a medal for that deduction. Pull yourself together man!_

- I… I can see that. – Kurt stuttered, covering his chest with his towel – I kinda forgot about you, I'm sorry. I had the craziest day, you wouldn't believe it. Isabelle had some apartment problem and I had to direct the shoot by myself. Crazy, right? But it went well, apart from one model that passed out. She probably hadn't eaten since last season. Ahah… (_Why am I still talking? Stop rambling! And oh god, I'm still practically naked.)_

Blaine shared his incoherent state of speechlessness, with his words having a hard time traveling from his brain to his mouth.

- Wow, great. Wonderful… Yeah, nice. (_What are you doing dumbass?! You're talking like Tarzan)._

- Yeah, I… I'm going to take a shower, ok? (_Are you asking permission?!)_.

- _(Is he asking permission?!) _Perfect! (_Perfect?!)_ I'll see you in the kitchen then.

- Great!

Kurt all but run to the shared bathroom of his studio apartment. Inside of its safety, he pressed himself to the door and let his head fall back on it.

_What was happening?! We have seen each other naked before!_

Maybe that was the problem, they HAVE seen each other naked. Naked and sprawled all over a bed, panting and writhing… _NO! DON'T! Don't go there. Get In the shower!_

**oOo**

Fully dressed and greatly more composed after his shower, Kurt stepped into the kitchen and found Blaine finishing putting some sandwiches together.

- I figured you would be hungry.

- Starving really!

They sat in the small kitchen table and ate in silence.

- How are you?

- I'm… fine. I really am. I'm sorry for overstretching my stay, but I didn't feel like going home.

- Nonsense! You know you can be and stay here whenever and for as long as you want! But you must have been pretty much bored to death…

- Not for a minute. In fact, I got to take a look at your work. I'm sorry I know you don't like it when people do it, but I couldn't help myself…

Kurt stirs uneasily in his chair. If it had been someone else he would be so pissed, but he's comfortable enough with Blaine to show him his unfinished and unperfected work.

- You are really talented…I sometimes let myself forget about it, which is actually good 'cause one day, like today, you just do something, or I found something you've done that just astonishes me beyond belief! I'm like "God, he's so talented!".

Kurt bushes a little and lowers his head.

- Can I ask you a question?

- Sure…

- Why are you taking so much time finishing your designs? Why haven't you showed them to someone? Like Isabelle for instance? I'm sure she would not only love them but even help you get them noticed…

- I… I've been really busy, you know that.

- That's no excuse, we both know it Kurt…

They both smile at the reproduction of what Kurt had said to Blaine two days before.

- I… I don't know… I guess I don't think they're that good. – Kurt confesses and he already knows he's going to tell Blaine everything. He's usually very guarded of his feelings, he's known for having a perfect Ice Queen bitch glare, but with Blaine he doesn't feel ashamed of baring his fears and weaknesses – I set the bar really high, you know that. I look up to Alexander McQueen and Christian Dior and a see so much excellence that that I can't even share my work with my roommates if it's not on that level of perfection…

- Perfection is overrated.

- You're right, but the fact is: it's highly required these days. I guess unconsciously I began convincing myself that, since I wasn't good enough, I would never reach it. That maybe this isn't really for me, maybe spending my life working at Vogue and being a therapist isn't really that bad – He sighs – I miss the days where I didn't have any pressures or any goals when I was drawing a dress or a three-piece suit, like in high school... remember my junior prom ensemble?

- Vividly. – Blaine smiled at the memory.

- I did that in a week. A week! Now, it takes me 3 years to gather some random sketches that will never leave the paper.

- Please don't say that. Don't doubt yourself.

Kurt looks deep into his best friend's eyes and sees so much compassion and love that it gives him chills.

- You CAN do this. You are good enough. Perfection shouldn't be a goal, being authentic and doing what you love is what you should aspire. You were not made to live behind the cameras, to write eternally about other people's designs. You were made to make it big, to have your name in the lights, to have your talent shared with the world. Put yourself in your seventeen year old shoes and draw like you're making your prom night suit again. Forget McQueen and create with no expectations.

Kurt's eyes are filled with tears and he's touched when he sees that his emotional state matches the one on his best friend's eyes. Blaine pulls him for a hug and says in his hear:

- I wish you could see your work through my eyes… - he pulls back and looks right into Kurt's eyes - I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.

They stay like that for a while, just looking at each other and Blaine could swear he saw Kurt looking down to his lips for a split second before he draw himself back to his chair and gave a humorless laugh.

- Look at us, we look like girls on their periods, crying over the silliest thing.

Blaine follows his lead and pulls himself from the emotional moment they just had.

- It's not silly.

Kurt smiles at him, remembering faintly that same reassurance being said so many years ago.

- Promise me you'll try to overcome your fears of failure and get your ass down to work on your portfolio!

- I… I promise.

- And promise me every time you feel like doubting yourself you will call me for a "You Can Do It, Believe In Yourself" free session.

- Wha–

- Just do it, ok?!

- Ok!

- Nice boy! Now, go to sleep, you're probably exhausted because of that asshole who ruined your sleep last night.

- Oh he's not that bad…

- Doubt it!

They both laugh.

- But yeah, I'm dead tired.

- Sleep in your room tonight, I'll take the couch, I know how much you dislike sleeping in another bed.

- You're the best, you know that right?

- Of course.

That night Kurt slept like he hadn't slept in a long time, waking up well rested and happy.

Yes, being back in his bed was great, but Blaine's faint smell made it better, even if he wouldn't admit it.


	3. Chapter 3

One week after that night, Kurt is leaving LIGHT (the name of his teacher's clinic. Yeah I know, subtle) when Blaine calls him.

- Guess what?! – He yells, noticeable excited.

- What?

- Oh silly Kurt, haven't you heard about this game? You're supposed to guess!

- You discovered you are adopted and your biologic mother reached out to you in need of your help: turns out your estranged brother is severely sick and needs your kidney.

- I… What?!

- I didn't get it?! Oh damn it, I was sure I had it!

- Ahah very funny, smart designer pants! No! Broadwaydotcom just confirmed they're doing a revival of, wait for it, West Side Story and they are doing open auditions!

- Wow, that IS fantastic! You're trying out aren't you?

- Obviously! And I think you should come too.

- Me? No, no, no, no, I gave up that path a long time ago thankfully!

- Ok, but tell me you're at least coming with me, I'll need moral support.

- I wouldn't miss it for the world. Besides, it's always fun to watch you slay those NYADA peasants with your talent.

- You're forgetting I'm one of those NYADA peasants?

- Oh honey you're a whole other level of peasantry!

Blaine laughed loudly on the other line.

- I need to go, I'm late for the matinee, but we'll talk tomorrow morning, ok?

- Obviously.

**OoO**

- … So, I guess I could do an acoustic version of Baby Got Back for my audition!

They were in the line to get coffee the morning after and Blaine just couldn't shut up about his upcoming audition.

- Oh Blaney Bear, I wouldn't do that if I were you, I know for a fact that's not a great-

- 'Morning sweetheart! – Blaine interrupted to joyfully greet the barista – I will have a medium drip and aaaaa…. – he thought for a moment – grande nonfat mocha for my friend over here and maybe one of those Portuguese specials to share. A Pastel de Nata will do?

He looked questioningly towards Kurt who sighed deeply, said something about extra time in the elliptal but eventually agreed.

Till this day it still amazed and warmed the fashionista's heart to know Blaine knew all of his coffee orders. All of them. Yeah, it had began with the "plain" grande nonfat mocha, but he also knew Kurt liked the peppermint hot chocolate when he was feeling down, skinny cinnamon dolce latte when irritated and lemon tea with honey and cinnamon before bed.

They found a table in the back right beside the large Victorian styled windows.

- I'm so excited!

- I can see that! I'm not even sure you should be drinking coffee, your brain may actually explode from it!

- Oh come on don't be a party pooper, I'm just happy! It's my favorite musical of all time and they're doing this modern vanguard version of it with less ethnic shenanigans more general awesomeness and they are rethinking all the staging and choreography, although I hope they keep the epic though guy finger snapping AND I have a great feeling about it.

Kurt smiled fondly at his friend's enthusiasm. Those were the times where Blaine looked more like the younger version Kurt had met in a stair case: full of life, excitement and hope in a better and brighter future. It was delightful to watch.

- Happy suits you, it makes your eyes sparkle. It's either the happiness or the obvious dose of whatever drug you secretly put on your coffee every day.

- Damn it, I thought I could keep it a secret!

The two friends shared a laugh that vanished comfortably into silence while they both sipped their drinks and looked to the frenetic hustle on the street.

- Isn't this comforting?

- Uh? – Blaine turned to his friend who was still looking at the street with wonder in his eyes.

- The kind of chaotic order that always fills the New York streets… it used to be so overwhelmingly hectic, but I guess it grew on me 'cause now is almost relaxing.

- Yeah, I know what you mean. What I like the most though, is the fact that, because no one really gives a flying fuck about you, you can be whatever you want. It's so liberating.

Kurt nods and they give the busy street another look until Kurt breaks the silence again:

- I'll do it. – He says, finally looking Blaine in the eye. - I'll show my drawings to Isabelle today and see what she thinks about them. We're in the city of all dreams, right? What harm can it do?

Blaine smiles largely all bubbly and beautiful.

- That's even greater news!

**OoO**

When Kurt got home that night he felt lighter and happier than he felt in a long time.

In his hands was his unfinished portfolio, now heavier with his notes from Isabelle.

After seeing his design she had started with:

- The first things I thought were: he lacks discipline, continuity and most of all: confidence. You draw like you don't believe in it. That obviously needs to change…

Those words cut through Kurt's mind like a knife. That was it, the final word and judgment, if Isabelle didn't like his work, then nobody would.

- ... but most of all, I thought I was having the privilege of seeing a young and future genius's work beforehand. You're really talented Kurt, your work shows promise and I wouldn't be surprised if 5 years from now, everybody in this town knew your name and wore your designs. That backless burgundy gown?! Amazing! I want it! You just need to put a little bit more faith in it. Tell you what: create an entire collection, let's say, for next spring, I'll help you along the way and when you finish, I'll introduce you and your work to a couple of important people in the business. How does that sound?

Kurt was speechless, looking at his boss with his mouth opened and tears of joy forming in his eyes.

- Soooo?

- Good! That sounds goods! Better than good actually. Perfect. Splendid. Marvelous. Thank you, thank you so much – he almost made them both fall into the grown with the strength of his hug.

- Thank god you're not wearing your hippopotamus brooch this time! – She said when he finally let go of her.

- Sorry, I got carried away! Thank you again!

- No need to thank me, it's your accomplishment, it's your talent that's getting you there. Now, just get your hands to work on this.

- I will, I promise!

So that happened.

Kurt whirled around in his sitting room remembering it.

- What's gone into you, lady lips?

He turns and sees Santana on the couch watching a movie with a pretty blonde in her arms.

- Life is beautiful Satan and we need to celebrate it more often.

He went to his room and jumped in his bed, falling onto it and sighing deeply.

That actually happened.

The last seal of approval and appreciation from the world had come. And the damn seal feels fucking good against his skin, it swells his chest with pride and excitement for what's to come. He could do this, he had to.

But first, there was one person he needed to call.

- Get your ass down here, today we're going out.

**OoO**

They end up in a loud and crowed club, getting tequila shots at the bar. They had dragged Rachel, Rachel's current boyfriend Nicka (yeah, what kind of name was that), Santana, Amy (the pretty blond) and Blaine's roommate Nick with them and they were all having a great time, toasting to Kurt, dancing and drinking.

- Tomorrow is going to hurt! – Kurt said as he slapped the empty shot drink in the counter.

- Yay, let's drink to that! – screamed Santana.

- Let's not. – answered Rachel.

- Yeah, why intoxicate our bodies with practically ethyl alcohol when we can be dancing?! – Blaine said grabbing Kurt's hand and pulling him towards the dance floor.

They were all beyond drunk, but they manage to get into the heated mass of dancing bodies without much difficulty.

Blaine found a relatively open space in the crowd and pulled Kurt towards him. Their hips moved with the rhythm, their dancing sloppy and uncoordinated, but neither of them caring.

Blaine swirled Kurt around and pushed himself against his back, pressing his head against the side of Kurt's neck, inhaling his scent. The older boy followed his lead, letting his head fall back on Blaine's shoulder and winding his left arm in the back of his best friend's neck.

The air grew a little thicker as both boys lost themselves more and more in the music and in the heat of each other's bodies.

This was a dangerous field, they both know it, and if they weren't so hammered they would probably do something to stop it, but the alcohol made forgetting about it so much easier.

Blaine put his hands on Kurt's hips and lead the dance, not resisting from bring his hands up to the little exposed skin of his lower stomach, from where the older man's shirt had risen up, noticing how his muscles flexed under his touch, how he could feel every inch of their bodies touching, how the exposed extension of his neck begged to be kissed and nibbled.

- You look so hot tonight – Blaine whispered in Kurt's ear.

Kurt wasn't drunk enough to not feel his heartbeat speed up.

However, he was drunk enough to spin around, enlace his arms behind Blaine's head and say:

- Why don't we go back to your apartment and I let you take advantage of that? I miss your touch.

Blaine froze and looked deep in Kurt's eyes:

- What? – was Kurt really thinking they could damage their friendship like that, that Blaine could ever casually have sex with the man he lov… used to love.

Kurt's brain got a little less drunk with the confusion and hurt in Blaine's words. He quickly pulled his hands away from the younger's shoulders and took a step back.

- I… that was a mistake. I better go home.

And he ran away from Blaine's arms and in to the cold air of the outside street. He ran away from it too, until his breathing was frenetic and his legs hurt. He fell in the ground from exhaustion just a few feet from his apartment and stayed there for a moment.

What was he thinking?! He could just have ruined everything!

- Dumbass – he said out loud.

- KURT! – He heard a familiar voice calling from behind him and turned to see Blaine running in his direction – Kurt?! Are you ok?

- I… I just need a moment alone Blaine, you don't need to do this- Kurt said a little harshly while getting up.

- Do what?

- The nice guy act! I'm fine by myself, I don't need you.

But his body (and his blood's alcohol percentage) didn't agree with him, 'cause he wobbled dangerously when he was finally standing.

Blaine jogged towards him and caught the unstable body in his arms.

- I can see that. Now be an asshole all you want, I know you're only doing that because you're uncomfortable, but you're stuck with me either way.

- I'm not uncomfortable. And you should be drunker!

- I have work tomorrow morning, I've been skipping out most of the shots without nobody noticing.

- You're not drunk at all?

- I'm in the "everything is funny and fuzzy" stage.

- So you meant what you…

Kurt held himself from finishing what he was about to say and there was an awkward silence doubled by the fact that Blaine was still holding him firmly in his arms.

Kurt quickly untangled himself and shook off the nonexistent dirt in his clothes.

- You can go.

- Kurt, you're not in-

- GO!

Blaine was surprised and a little hurt by the outburst but stayed where he was.

- GO! Get away from me!

- Kurt, please… you don't mean it.

- How do you know what I mean? You have no idea what I want, you're pretty bad at guessing what I want.

- What, what are you talking about?

- I… nothing! Just please go!

- I'm not letting you alone.

- Why are you always so nice? You think you can go around charming every one, being always so dapper and beautiful, being this perfect best friend, dancing with me and telling me I'm great and talented and hot… it's exhausting! Stop it, it's exhausting for me to keep myself from…

Once again Kurt shut his mouth before finishing and turned around, beginning to walk towards his apartment.

- From what? What are you talking about? – Blaine caught up with him, grabbed his arm and forced him to turn around. When he was finally able to look at Kurt's face, he saw tears in the older man's eyes – please, talk to me.

Kurt looked so lost and hurt, for a seconded he seemed to ponder spilling his feeling to his friend.

_Feelings? What feelings? No! There are no feelings, I'm over that. He doesn't want me anymore, we are best friends and that's perfectly fine. No feelings. Pull yourself together._

He shook his arm out of Blaine's grip and took a step away from him.

- Nothing. I really need sometime alone Blaine, I'll be fine. We'll talk in the morning.

**OoO**

The next morning Kurt woke up wishing he hadn't.

His head was pounding so hard, it almost sounded like some shitty drum 'n' bass song.

And then his phone was ringing.

_WHY?_

- What?

- 'morning – Blaine's voice greeted him, sounding kind of constrained. _He must be hungover too._

- Stop yelling!

- I'm not yelling.

- Then shut up all together.

- It's good to see you've woken up on your good side.

- How are you even able to properly talk after yesterday?

- Uh… I… didn't drink that much… _but I already told you that _(he thought).

- Whatever. What do you want, I was planning on staying in bed and dying today.

- I… I was wondering if you wouldn't want to come over later.

Blaine was sounding really weird, like he was afraid of saying what he wanted.

- Yeah, ok, if I manage to get out of bed, I'll pass by your house.

- Great, I think we need to talk.

- O…kay.

- Bye.

- But talk about what?

But Blaine had already hung up.

Kurt somehow managed to get out of bed and inside the shower. He pulled some hangover clothes (sweatpants, hoodie, huggs and the biggest pair of sunglasses he could find) and strolled over Blaine's house.

- Don't let me drink that much ever again! – He said right as Blaine opened the door.

He walked inside and laid on the couch, follow by Blaine who seated in a close by chair.

- I mean, I don't even remember most of it, but I'm sure it was awful.

- You… you don't remember?

- I remember drinking and dancing and drinking some more and then dancing some more…

He also vaguely remembered Blaine's hands on his hips and lower stomach, but I decided not to mention that because he was sure it was just an exaggeration of his drunken brain.

- You don't remember how you got home?

- No. Oh my god! What did I do? It was embarrassing, wasn't it? Did I toke off my clothes?!

_No, but you wanted to._

- No, you just…

He paused… was this really worth telling? Why was he making a big deal out of it in the first place? Kurt had been probably talking nonsense because of how drunk he got. Blaine was once again making up a whole fuzz in is head when in reality was nothing.

But Kurt implied he wanted to have sex with him.

_Well, I was practically grinding on him, there were just too much hormones and sexual frustration in the air._

But he said he missed your touch.

_That… that must have been the heat of the moment. Kurt hasn't had sex since last year, when he was dating Paul, so he just said the first thing that came to his mind to the ex-boyfriend who was practically dry humping him._

Yeah, that was it.

There was no need to create a scene or even risk a fight because of a little drunk heated dance.

He didn't even thought about the fact that he himself hadn't been drunk.

- Nothing, you were just really stubborn on the idea of getting home by yourself, I just wanted to make sure you were ok.

Kurt sighed out of relieve.

- Thank god I didn't do anything stupid. Do you want to watch a movie? I don't feel like moving from here.

- Sure! I'll get the Moulin Rouge from my room.

They got themselves comfortable and ended up watching not only Moulin Rouge, but also Singing In The Rain, The Notebook and Les Miserables.

But even though Kurt seemed perfectly entertained by the movie session, Blaine was barely paying attention to the LDC screen. There was a nagging feeling distracting his mind and heart: an immense doubt.

Were they really fine? Was this all they truly wanted? Had Kurt been really just drunk and nonsensical?

He couldn't keep himself from looking at Kurt every other minute. He looked very engrossed by whatever drama was in the screen, laughing and crying in the right moments, looking so beautiful…

_NO. DON'T. Don't go there. Don't let yourself hope, you know how that ends. I'm fine. We're fine!_


	4. Chapter 4

Hi guys! How have you all been? First of all, thank you for the reviews, follows and favorites. I could never express through words what that does for me and my precarious self-esteem. Second of all, and VERY IMPORTANT: there is a song in this chapter that I would very much like for you to check out and listen when it's mentioned in the story. It helped me write it and I hope it'll help you read it. I know this site doesn't allow links (that's why my Voguedotcom mentions throughout the fic were all delected duh), but you could either type this after the regular YouTbe address: watch?v=-YK8muaecYI , or you could go to my Tumblr (justtryingtomakeit) and click the "Beyond Desassossego" tab/tag and find it there. Oh and try to imagine Blaine's/Darren's voice over the instrumental music. That's all for now I guess. Enjoy *

* * *

**OoO**

For the most part, Blaine managed to subside the doubt in his mind in the course of the next few days. The last thing he needed right now was for them to be back in those dark times, when Kurt and he were constantly fighting, when, sometimes, they couldn't even look at each other properly without some kind of restrain or pain. If he got over his feelings for the safety of their friendship back then, he could do it again now. He wasn't about to risk everything because of what was sure just a silly misunderstanding, even though the whole scene brought back so many hidden longing.

A week after the incident, the pace of their friendship returned to normal as they were approaching the audition date and Blaine was in severe need of his best friend's support.

The singer was beginning to get cold feet and feel a little more insecure every day. Tony was a huge role, one of the greatest on Broadway and, even though he had played him in high school, he couldn't help but think, in the back of his mind, there were surely lots of other people far better cut out for the role.

One particular night I even called Kurt telling him he wasn't going.

- That's nonsense, you know that, don't you?

- No, it's the best thing to do, it will save me the embarrassment of having the great Broadway producers telling me I'm no good and I won't be taking their time with my insufficient talent. I'm… I'm perfectly fine working with the Street Lights. Really I am, I don't even mind playing the ghost of a transsexual from the 30's anymore, it's so much fun! Yay! There, it's settled, I'm not going!

- Could you shut up for a minute? Jesus, are you sure you and Rach aren't related? You even ramble and babble in the same pitch. Now, let's take a moment to actually think, shall we?

Blaine nodded, even though Kurt couldn't see his face. He was seating in the cold tiled floor of his bathroom, with his back against the door, being a perfect image of a menopausal woman having a break down.

- Remember when you auditioned for WSS when we were in high school?

- Yeah… I sang Something's Coming.

- That's right. And do you remember in what the circumstances you did it?

- What do you mean?

- You were auditioning for Bernardo, for Christ's sake. But you did it so well, they begged you to play the lead. That's pretty incredible. Do you know why I didn't get angry for not getting the main role?

- Why?

- Because I watched your performance and it was so mesmerizing that, in that moment, I knew no one could play Tony better than you. It's the role you were born to play.

- You were watching?

- Of course, you were my boyfriend and my direct opponent simultaneously, I had to. – He smiled to himself - It was pitch perfect, the voice, the emotions, the choreography. Just imagine how much better you can do it now, after NYADA! And even if you don't get the star role I'm certain you will get casted in some other role anyway. Come on! Haven't you looked in the mirror lately? You smell vintage, the length of your pants alone is something out of a 60's commercial.

Blaine laughed on the other line.

- I guess you're right.

- You know I am. Now, can I go to sleep or do you need me to go over there and smack you in the face?

- Nop! There's absolutely no need for that. Go to sleep, I'm sorry for waking you up.

- It's ok, the dream I was having wasn't really that good anyway. Now, try and get some sleep too, ok? See you tomorrow after work for our movie night.

Kurt was almost hanging up, when he heard Blaine saying:

- Kurt?

- Yeah?

- Thank you.

- You're welcome. Just don't forget to mention me in your acceptance speech at the Tony's.

A little after twelve, when Blaine was about to leave the house to go to rehearsal the next morning, he found a familiar looking card in his house entrance. Kurt must have dropped it there before going to work in the early morning. When he picked the piece of paper up, he noticed it wasn't so much of a card, as it was some kind of brochure. No, more like a playbill. And a very familiar playbill for that matter.

It was a copy of his high school production of West Side Story's playbill. His name was big and highlighted right beside the "story".

In the back, Kurt had written:

" Isn't it nice to see your name in here? Just imagine when it's in one of the Times Square billboards. Just put yourself in your seventeen year old shoes and sing like your auditioning for Bernardo again. ;) LV".

And that was exactly what he intended to do. That night they ended up forgetting about the movie to work on Blaine's audition song instead.

He had his mind set on playing it safe and singing a traditional Tony song, like Maria or Something's Coming, while Kurt kept telling him to innovate, to do something out of the ordinary, something daring that could show off his musician side more.

- You need to understand that there will be thousands of people thinking exactly like you. They will show up and belt out Tonight or One Hand One Heart in a classic Broadway grand finale style. It's predictable. Didn't you say they're doing a modern and fresh approach? Then maybe that's what they are looking for in their casting, a modern a fresh approach.

- I guess you're right… but it's scary to dare to take a classic and give it your own spin.

- You can always do the song wearing painted-on golden pants, I hear it does wonders in auditions.

They both laugh at the memory of Kurt bringing the house down (and when I say house, I'm referring to Rachel, Blaine and Carmen) with his Not The Boy Next Door performance.

- I'm afraid even I can't accomplish that level of _epicness._

- That is true. Only a selected and gifted few are able to pull off golden pants so swiftly.

They smiled and sipped their cups of tea, while rummaging through the sheets of music that covered Blaine's office.

Outside, the chaos of New York provided the perfect soundtrack and view to the intense and professional research work they were doing.

It was serious and productive, really it was. Except the (many) times Blaine threw pens at Kurt or when Kurt tried to break Blaine's gel helmet free with a fork. And of course there was also that time Blaine tried to paint a mustache on Kurt's face to match the one he had gotten himself, and that other one time when Kurt insisted on teaching Blaine how to properly do a shimmy shake dance (_It's all about the coordination between shoulders and hips), a_nd when Blaine insisted on keep doing impromptu songs about them.

- Kurt please, take your hands off your ears, this one is really good, I swear! I might just add it to me nightly repertoire – he closes his eyes for dramatic effect and begins singing obnoxiously loud along some incoherent accords in one of his guitars – _Kurtsie you're the best, you're witty and full of sass, but in all reality, people only like you because of your ass._

- If you ever sing publicly about my ass I will personally hide all your gel bottles and burn down your bow-ties.

- You wouldn't! – Blaine looked seriously affronted and scared.

So, obviously, they didn't find or pick the song or anything really that night.

**OoO**

It was almost a week after, when Kurt got a call from Blaine with apparent good news:

- I finished the song.

- 'Morning to you too.

- Sorry, I'm still giddy from the 8 gallons** of coffee and RedBull I drank. Good morning! Did you sleep well? I hope you did. – He was half yelling.

- Wow, calm down! Have you been up all night?

- Yeah, I really wanted to finish the arrangement for the song so I just kept drinking whatever caffeine I had in the apartment. Nick had these amazing coffee caramels, you have to try them.

- That's great honey, but please go to sleep, you sound like a maniac who's about to commit a crime.

- What? No! I would never… That's illegal… I… No…. Yeah, maybe sleep isn't that bad.

- Good boy!

- Will you come to my place later? Nick is going out so we'll have the house for ourselves. I would really love to show the song in advance.

- Yeah, sure.

- I'm going to bed now. Just let yourself in with your key after work, ok? I'll probably be in the shower... or still sleeping.

- Okay. I see you la-

But the line was dead already.

**OoO**

That early evening, Kurt arrived at Blaine's and found the place death quiet. Well, almost… he could clearly hear some piano notes comings from his best friend's office, so he strolled down the corridor to find Blaine in the room, seating on the piano bench with his head down and pressed against it, playing an apparently random melody. If his position and semblance weren't odd enough, the room itself looked pretty wicked too: lights dimmed out, various candles lit and spread all over the place, curtains pushed back so you could have a perfect and beautiful view of the city and he could swear he smelled the faint scent of cinnamon incense.

Kurt was suddenly plagued with the feeling of maybe being interrupting something important, something intimate and private. He felt the immense need to leave, to respect the almost sacred atmosphere Blaine had created, certainly with the purpose of inspiriting his creativity.

He was already backing away from the office when he heard Blaine call out for him.

- Oh you're there, great! I was waiting for you…

- Really?

Blaine frowned upon the surprising tone of his friend.

- Well obviously, I asked you to come.

- Oh sure, yeah… yeah! You just looked so concentrated, I almost thought I was interrupting a genius' work.

- Ahah nonsense! – Blaine laughed quietly –I was just… thinking about stuff. Trying to get in the frame of mind of the song I guess.

There was silence between them for a while, while Kurt got himself into the room and seated in a chair next to the large windows and by the piano.

- So let's hear that masterpiece.

Blaine slightly blushed. After all these years it was still difficult for him to hear compliments, even if they were totally and more than welcomed.

- First, a little bit of context – he began – I thought about doing the great finale couple's ballad, but giving it a different approach.

- Continue…

- Well both the staged song and the movie song are highly emotional, but I guess I'm kind of going for a different kind of emotion, one that's more secluded, more intimate, just me and the piano, you know?

- I think I know what you mean, but by all means, show me.

Blaine nodded with a great look of certainty and purpose on his face, he knew what he was doing. This was where he was certain of his capabilities, in front of a sheet music stand. He was turning back to the piano, but hesitated for a moment.

- Kurt?

- What?

- I… - he paused, looking for the right words, until he seemed to resign with the safest - I really hope you like it, that's all.

He took a deep breath while he lingered his fingers above the keys and began playing this sort of slowed down piano version of West Side Story's Somewhere.

Until this day, Kurt hadn't noticed just how dramatic and sad the instrumental of the song was… or maybe it was just the piano playing an affect on it, or it was how Blaine played it, with his eyes almost closed and a kind of sad resignation in his touch.

He began singing.

- There's a place for us,  
Somewhere a place for us.  
Peace and quiet and open air  
Wait for us  
Somewhere.

There was a relatively long instrumental break for effect, before he continued.

- There's a time for us,  
Some day a time for us,  
Time together with time to spare,  
Time to look, time to care,  
Some day!

For some reason, his way of singing it wasn't hopeful or remotely happy which only made the performance ten times more efficient and touching.

This was the moment Kurt started to wish he wasn't there.

- Somewhere.  
We'll find a new way of living,

We'll find a way of forgiving  
Somewhere . . .

And this was the moment Kurt started to cry. That was unfair. Blaine calling him to an empty house, inside a candle lit room, to sing for him on the piano about second chances and eternity, without being aware of how overwhelming sad it all was for him.

With his back to his best friend, Blaine was blessing the fact that he wasn't able to look Kurt in the eye right now. He wasn't sure he would be able to hide the authenticity of his words in his eyes, to play the part and pretend he was singing anyone's feeling but his own, if he looked to the man that made those powerful words so relatable for him.

But not even his hidden face he was able to conceal the little quiver of his voice, when he dared to sing the last words with a slightest tone of hope.

- There's a place for us,  
A time and place for us.  
Hold my hand and we're halfway there.  
Hold my hand and I'll take you there  
Somehow,  
Some day,  
Somewhere!

Blaine barely made it to the end of the song without falling apart, feeling all his emotions clogging his throat and watering his eyes and once there was nothing but silence in the room, he couldn't gather the courage to turn around. So he just stayed there, with his back to his friend, waiting for a reaction.

As for Kurt he was paralyzed in his spot by the window as well, tears straining his face, but he wasn't sobbing, not even whimpering, he just let the tears fall down his eyes, feeling more exposed and insecure than ever. One song could do that to him. One freaking song was able to take him take to that time when he wished with all his forces that it wasn't too late for them, that Blaine would still want him back. That time he understood he wouldn't.

They must have stayed there, in silence, almost with their backs to each other, a good 15 minutes until Kurt run out of the room and out of the apartment leaving a perplexed and regretful Blaine alone.

What the hell did happen?

What the hell did that mean?

His knee-jerk reaction was to go out, run after Kurt and apologize, say he had been simply caught up by the song, that he had been just a silly mistake, but for some reason he didn't do it.

For some reason he didn't feel guilty, he didn't feel like he had something to apologize for.

He couldn't keep pushing his pendent feelings for Kurt away, it was always a matter of time before they to come to the surface again and Blaine could only accept the consequences of acting out on his emotions.

He just needed to accept Kurt's rejection one more time.

Honestly, at this point it was better than keep hiding his feelings.

That's why, at the end of the next day, one that he had spent at home claiming he was getting sick, Kurt found a card on his mat that said:

"I meant it. Every word."


	5. Chapter 5

First and foremost, I'm deeply sorry for the delay of this update I was kind of stuck there for a while. And when I'm not sure about something I get really insecure which makes me procrastinate like a mad person.

This chapter ends kind of hanging, but I swear I won't take too long updating again, as I have most of the next chapter already written. Enjoy!

_(Ps I've out together a collection of pictures of what would Blaine's apartment look like. If you want to check it, you can go to my Tumblr - justtryingtomakeit - and click on the link that says "behond desassossego".)_

* * *

_24 hours before._

Kurt barely registered the hard thumping of his feet upon the grown. Or the rain that started to fall as soon as he stepped in the street. Or the tears that kept staining his face or the way his heart was clenched and heavy in his chest.

He just needed to get home.

But when he was home and he didn't really feel better, he went out for a jog again, in a far too dangerous neighborhood, clad only in his pajamas.

Only then he was able to register the hard thumping of his feet upon the grown, the wet tracks his tears created in his face and oh boy did he feel his heavy and clenched heart.

His mind was spinning with so many questions, so much doubt, it was beginning to physically hurt.

Why did that song get him so deeply? It was only a silly over the top romantic song! But why did he feel like maybe Blaine was getting emotional too? If so, what did that mean? Was he making all this up in his head? It wouldn't be the first time.

It was all too much.

The whole world seemed too much right now and Kurt just wanted to get in bed and never get up.

He stopped his march when he reached the park, already panting and with his legs hurting.

He looked around and felt the unbearable need to go home. Not Bushwick home, but Ohio home. The city had gotten so claustrophobic with its demanding manner. Here, he was almost forced to think about his feelings and that was the last thing he wanted right now.

So he called the closest thing to "Ohio home" he could get.

- Kiddo?!

- Yeah, it's me dad. I'm sorry, did I wake you? – For the most part, Kurt managed to hide the quiver of his voice.

- No, I was going to bed. What's wrong?

- Everything is fine, I just… miss you.

- Oh… ok… I miss you too son. You know that, don't you?

- Yeah, but it's always nice to hear it.

- Are you sure everything is fine, you sound a little off? Is Blaine ok?

That apparently was the tiger word, 'cause Kurt had to take his phone away from his hear and push it against his chest to hide the sob that escaped his throat. He closed his eyes hard and pursed his lips. Normally he would have no problem sharing his troubles with his dad. After all, he had been his first confidant and was still one of his greater friends. But… if he was to be true to himself, he would realize that telling his dad about what happened would be admitting that something was wrong, that he was in fact feeling something extra ordinary for Blaine.

- I'm sure dad, I just came upon some photos from last Christmas and I realized how much I miss you and Carol… even Finn. How have you all been?

- Oh we're fine! I have the cancer check up at the end of the week, but it's nothing worrying. Finn is still teaching music in Columbus, I think he got a new girlfriend, I'm not sure, and Carol is starting this new volunteering project at the Hospital for the nursing home and the orphanage. Everyone is very excited! She even showed up in the local news.

- Wow, that's pretty awesome! Tell me more.

He stayed like that, seating in a far too cold bench in a far too cold night, playing pretend with his father for almost an hour. He pretending to be happy and excited about the news, smiling and laughing at the right moments, and his father pretending he didn't know there was something wrong with his son, respecting his space and giving him what he apparently needed most right now: small talk with a faint taste of home.

- Ok, dad, I'll let you go now, I've just spent a small fortune on this call and you're probably already sick of my voice.

- Are you kidding? It's great to hear from you apart from the usual "I'm fine and you? Look, I've got to go, I have work".

- Yeah, sorry about that, I'm always rushing to do something when we talk.

- It's ok, I understand. Kurt?

- Uh?

- You know I know you're not ok, right?

- I figured.

- You don't have to tell me, just… take care of yourself, ok? You know I'm here when you're ready.

- I know dad. Thank you for understanding. Give a hug to Carol for me, ok?

- Sure!

His talk with his dad managed to calm him down enough for him to have a relatively good night of sleep, but when he woke up his panic returned in full force.

He called in sick and spent the majority of the day in bed, only half succeeding in calming his recurring panic attacks. By the end of the day, he was fairly convinced he had made the whole thing up in his head and he had to make it right with Blaine again for the sake of their friendship. He would go to his house and apologize for overreacting and being so dramatic, he would say it was the combination of stress and tiredness and the memories of the last time he had sang that song (hours before their first time together). Meanwhile we would find a way of pushing his feelings deeper inside his heart where they belonged. _For the sake of their friendship._

He just needed to not move from his bed for a while, maybe dying in it wasn't such a bad idea. That was, of course, if Santana wouldn't have stormed in his room in the early evening with homemade food and a shameful amount of whine.

- Look Lady Hummel, I don't you why you look like shit and honestly I don't really care, but you are getting your pretty ass out of bed, showering and eating some food.

- I'm not hungry.

- Don't care. Eat and shower. And then I have a couple of friends – she shook the bottles of wine in her hands - that will help you realize what everybody already knows.

- What's that suppose to mean?

- Oh nothing hun, nothing… Just eat, you will feel better.

Three hours and four bottles of wine later found Kurt and Santana in the floor of his room, laughing at something that, surely in the morning, wouldn't be even half funny.

- You Satan, are an angel!

- Please, don't insult me.

They heard movement in the main door, but neither of them cared for checking it, believing it would be Rachel or Nicka.

- I need to pea again.

- Nice! Peeing is nice! I'll get some cookies in the kitchen while you do it.

- Cookies, yay!

They both stumbled out of the room, Santana walking in the direction of the bathroom and Kurt half crawling to their kitchen. After searching for some moments _(kitchen cabinets are hard, shut up),_ he finally found the cookie jar and was on his way back to his bedroom, when his drunken mind got a glimpse of something by the door.

A card.

His heart skipped a beat. A card always meant Blaine.

Already feeling 10 times soberer, he went to the door, picked it up and turned it around.

"I meant it. Every word"

He was out of the door before Santana even got out of the bathroom.

**OoO**

Nick was doing his best to calm down his friend and roommate on the other side of the street. It couldn't have passed more than 15 minutes since he had arrived home, breathless and euphoric. Now, while still being a little out of breath, he was a mess of regret and anxiety.

Blaine had run up to Kurt's house and back to his apartment in less than 5 minutes, having walked inside just before it started to rain.

- Nick, it was a stupid idea. Why can't I just suck it up and handle my emotions?

- Blaine, please calm down, seat. I'll make us some coffee.

- I'm telling you, this is the end, I ruined everything. – He said as he was walking to the couch.

- Don't say that! You did the right thing. You can't keep lying to yourself saying you're fine with the way things have turned out between you two. He just needs to accept that.

- I'm not su-

In that moment a loud knock on the door interrupt their conversation and startled them both.

When the pounding sound didn't stop, Blaine got up from the couch to get the door.

On the other side was Kurt, drenched and soaked to his bones, barefoot and with his clothes glued to his body. He was panting, shivering slightly and he had a kind of dazed look in his eyes. _Alcohol,_ Blaine immediately thought. To be honest he was looking simultaneously vulnerable, cute and sexy

- Take it back. – he said.

Blaine just looked to his friend kind of speechless and was only when Nick got next to him that he remembered they weren't alone.

- I'll go… do something… outside. Bye. – Nick said, walking pass them.

He left the apartment, leaving the two men startled and looking at each other, still attached to their spots by the door. There were a few seconds of silence, until Kurt repeated:

- Take it back.

- Wh… what?

- The damn card. Those damn words. Take them back. I can't have them right now clogging my mind.

- I'm sorry, but I… I can't.

Kurt stormed in and pressed Blaine against the wall and looked in his eyes furiously.

- You have no right to do this to me. Take those damn words back. I… I can't deal with this right now. I can't let myself in again… I can't let myself hope.

- But Kurt-

- Don't! Don't say anything.

He was just a few inches from Blaine's face, his breathe smelled like alcohol, his expression was frenetic and pained.

- Can't you understand that I'm not able to… to be that man you want me to be anymore. I can't risk going through hell again just because you got confused over a silly song … we don't work anymore. You would figure that out in no time and I would be left broken again. I'm over you and you're just being fucking selfish by pushing this more than solved issue down my throat.

- It's not like that, you know-

- I told you to shut up. Please, I can't listen to you right now, I can't do this right now.

Blaine grew irritated and forcefully released himself from Kurt's harms and walked around him so he was now the one against the wall.

- That's bullshit! Stop acting like a child and let me talk. You're putting words in my mouth and feelings in my heart that I didn't say and that I don't fell and you don't even care to ask me if you're right! Tell me you didn't feel anything when I sang that song. – He stepped closer to Kurt – Look me in the eye and tell me our "issues are solved". – He got even closer - Tell me we're over.

He was now a mere inches from Kurt's face, looking deep in his eyes with such intensity it would scare the bravest.

Kurt was doing a lousy job at avoiding Blaine's piercing stare and for a moment he seemed lost in it, even daring to gaze at his lips, until the pained fierceness returned to his look.

- I… I could never be that boy anymore. The one you fell in love with.

Blaine almost laughed at this.

- Can't you get it?! I don't want him. I want you.

Kurt could swear he saw the next seconds in slow motion: Blaine's almost hungry stare glance at his lips, the intense way with which he stumbled forwards, literally like he had been waiting 10 years to do that, and that precious instant when their lips touched and Kurt was suddenly seventeen again, seating in a table at Dalton, surrounded by his bead decoration kit, having his first real kiss. The one that counted.

That micro second where their lips touched brought everything back: the joy, the longing, the pain, the intensity, the familiarity, the love and they stayed like that for a long time, just locked by their lips without moving a muscle, almost like they were only then beginning to realize what was really happening, which lips were they really kissing.

But soon the kiss grew deeper and more demanding. Blaine's hands flew to Kurt's face and he stepped even closer to his ex boyfriend, feeling every inch of their body touching, as their tongues met, fighting to control and Kurt's arms winded around Blaine's hips, grasping them with such force it would surely leave mark.

When Blaine momentarily broke the kiss to nib at Kurt's earlobe and neck, Kurt couldn't help the breathy moan that left his lips and that, for Blaine, was prove enough that this intensity, this passion flowing around them right now wasn't one-sided.

And that's when he did something either really brave or really stupid.

- I… I love you. – He said between kisses.

And those three words startled Kurt almost like an alarm clock an 5am. He pushed Blaine off of him and backed away towards the door, his look scared and incredulous.

- I can't do this, I'm sorry.

It was the last thing he said, between tears and sobs, before he ran out of the door.

_Well, that is becoming a habit._

Blaine slipped down the wall to the floor and pulled his knees towards his face, letting his head fall on them.

There were a million thoughts and emotions swirling in his mind right now.

On one hand, he was still feeling the aftershock of that amazing kiss, the sparkle, the butterflies, the raging fire dwelling in his chest that left him wanting to jump up and down in his bed out of pure and utter joy.

But there were a few things pushing him and his spirit down.

_I can't do this, I'm sorry._

Kurt didn't want him, those words were the final prove. He really had looked sorry, almost guilty, before he walked out.

Was Blaine just reading too much into Kurt's behavior when he was truly over him after all? In that case, Blaine just forced a kiss in a person who didn't want it or him. Blaine stomach clenched at this thought and he felt sick.

_But he kissed you back._

He just didn't know anything anymore, apart from the certainty of his own feelings.

He grunted out of frustration and punched the wall above his head. It was almost ironic how basic and ancestral his sadness and its origin were: the feeling of loving and not being loved back.

**OoO**

When Kurt got home, he was still soaked up and shaking, a deathly combination of cold and nerves.

He went straight to the bathroom and got in the shower.

He let the light, but persistent beating of the water on his back release some of the stress and tension in his body and wash down his tears.

But his spa moment was cut short by Santana, when she stormed inside in avid rage.

- Are you nuts?! Where were you? Do you know how worried I've been, having possibly lost my favorite gay?! Are you crazy? Well, that's not even a question, 'cause someone who sneaks out in the middle of the night, Charlie Sheen drunk and BAREFOOT is certainly crazy.

- Please, Santana, don't do this right now… Just leave me alone.

Santana was taken aback by the softness of Kurt's tone. She had walked in on him totally naked in the shower, that would call for a major diva blown-out scream session. At least.

But, not this time.

_Well, this must be serious._

_And now this is awkward, the kid is naked in front of me._

- I'm sorry… I was just really worried I guess. I'll be in my room if you need me.

**OoO**

The next day Blaine was a mess.

Kurt wasn't answering his phone and he wasn't home when he checked at the earliest decent hour.

He couldn't keep himself from remembering their kiss, though. How easy it had been for them to find a comfortable pace again, how well their lips still fit together. It had been like returning home, so warm and close and hot all together, giving him everything but still leaving him wanting more.

But Kurt's leaving had left an ache shadowing his happiness, and the worst part was not knowing where they stand, what was Kurt feeling, where would they move from here.

The uncertainty was killing him.

He didn't show up at the theater that day (he was suppose to be home working on his audition song anyway) and he spent all his time trying to reach Kurt, calling him, slipping cards under the door. He even dared to go to the VoguedotCom headquarters, but they told him he had been home sick for two days now.

He tried LIGHT too, but they told him the exact same thing.

It was only when he was leaving the office building that he assumed Kurt had been home all along, but had probably asked Rachel to tell him he wasn't.

Then he solved the million dollar mystery: Kurt was avoiding him.

_Well, if that's what he wants, that's what he will get._

So he stopped trying to talk to him and went on with his day as normal as he could.

The next day, he woke up feeling badly rested and sore from tossing and turning in his bed all night, he felt a cold threatening his organism and his mood matched the state of his body perfectly.

_Perfect. Just absolutely perfect._

To make things even better, it was the day of his West Side Story audition.

_This day is getting better by the minute._

He even consider not going, but he thought he had nothing to lose anymore, so he better put his arrangement to good use and give it a chance, even if it turned out to be an embarrassing disaster.

He arrived at the studio 15 minutes earlier than needed and he saw the other 5 boys he was auditioning with, all perfect images of a soon-to-be Tony. He watched them warm-up, doing vocal runs and perfectly executed plies and cabriolets.

Looking around at all that talent and seeing that, even though he had learned all that stuff in NYADA too, he was there with only a sheet music and a portion of a script. He felt so inadequate and unsure, even the thought of auditioning sounded ridiculous.

He was out of the studio in less than a minute, but in his hurry to get out, he stumbled upon someone who was getting in.

He braced the person in front of him so they would fall and, it wasn't until the person talked, that he looked up to see their face.

- I knew you would try to run away.

- K… Kurt?


	6. Chapter 6

**I'm so sorry for not keeping my promise, but I kind of figured no one would pay attention to this if I had posted it on Thursday (kjshdgfhsldkghfs) and after that I had some internet problems. ****_Mil Desculpas_****. This story is approaching its end, maybe only two or three chapters more, but I already know I want to do some kind of epilogue. **

**(I guess I should apologize for the lack of smut, but honestly I don't want it to be gratuitous or contextless (is that even a word?!) so, if you're only in for the porn, I guess this is not the best story for you.)**

**One last thing: I'm thinking of maybe doing a collection of Klaine postcards on Tumblr, so watch out for that. (justtryingtomakeit).**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

Looking around at all that talent and seeing that, even though he had learned all that stuff in NYADA too, he was there with only a sheet music and a portion of a script, he felt so inadequate and unsure, that even the thought of auditioning sounded ridiculous.

He was out of the studio in less than a minute, but in his hurry to get out, he stumbled upon someone who was getting in.

He braced the person in front of him so they would fall, but it wasn't until the person talked, that he looked up to see their face.

- I knew you would try to run away.

- K… Kurt?

He immediately let his friend go and took a step back.

- Wh… what are you doing here?

Kurt let the funny façade fall and looked embarrassed for a moment.

- Well, I couldn't let you do this alone. You're still my best friend.

A wide smile rose to Blaine's face and his eyes sparkled with hope. Noticing this, Kurt felt the instant need to tone down his optimism. He wasn't there for "hope".

- Look, we still need to talk…

- Yeah, sure, I know that. After my audition we can go to that coffee shop on the 66th street, ok?

Kurt nodded.

- Had I known earlier that convincing you to do the audition would be so easy, I would have sent one of my people instead of coming here myself.

- Oh shut up, I just needed a little bit of fresh air, I wasn't really running away.

- Yeah, right.

- Let's slay some NYADA peasants, shall we?

Their conversation was easy and light, but there was an undeniable undertone of discomfort and tension that both of them were trying very hard to disguise.

Because he wasn't really allowed in the audition room, Kurt had to stay in the outside hall, waiting for his friend, trying to understand what was going on by pressing his hear in the door and focusing on the muffled sounds.

He heard the already familiar notes of the piano, Blaine's faint singing voice, then some indistinguishable conversation lead by what seemed like the acting part of the audition, some silence after that and then conversation again.

He managed to understand the words: "risky, unexpected, dangerous, edgy and successful" amongst all the babbling.

When Blaine opened the door, Kurt was still crouched against it trying to hear what was going on.

The actor just laughed at his friend, his smile beaming and infectious, and told him it wasn't nice to eavesdrop.

- Oh just up and tell me, how did it go? – They began walking towards the exit.

- It went well, I think they liked it! – Blaine sounded like he was trying to tone down his excitement and hope. It seemed too good to be true.

- Do you think they will call you back?

- The director basically told me that. But the producer said they would call me by the end of the week with news, bad or good.

- That's amazing! I'm so proud of you.

He hugged his friend happily. That slip-second when their bodies touched brought them to the reality of his current situation.

It was too easy for them to fall back in the ordinary pace of their friendship and that tended to make them skip through their problems and issues.

But I guess this problem just too big to be ignored. It was like a giant stain in a light-colored Oscar gown.

- We should get going, I still have pass by LIGHT before 6.

The mood darkened substantially after that and when they arrived at the coffee shop, they could barely look at each other.

They ordered their drinks and found a place in the back of the coffee shop in a relative silence that extended for a couple of minutes.

- Look Kurt, I know this is all too confusing for you. It is for me too. But I just need you to know-

- Please Blaine, let me talk first, ok?

For a second, the younger man looked like he was about to protest, but his better judgment told him to let his friend talk.

- You know, seeing us now, almost 10 years after we broke up, I'm really proud of what we became. We managed to stay in each other's lives and be there for each other no matter how big the storm was between us. It only shows how important and essential we are to one another… you really are my greatest friend and I know I'm yours too. Seeing that, I guess it's easy to believe we should take what we already have to another level. It's almost logic. I can see that. But we need to understand that's a fantasy. A trick our heart is playing on us because we're lonely and longing. We're mixing up the feelings we once had for each other for the nurture we feel for each other now. What we had was amazing and powerful, but I think we were both naive to believe it would last forever. We dove in too deep because of that belief and look what it got us when our trusted eternity was shuttered? Heartbreak. I can't go through that again, I don't even know if I'm able to love like that again. Do you understand?

Even though his heart screamed for his protest, rationally he understood.

- Yes, I see your point.

- Giving us another chance would just ruin our friendship because we would both be, consciously or not, searching for the relationship we left unfinished other than building a new one. You'd be searching for the boy who sang Blackbird to his death warbler and I'd be searching for the boy I stopped in a staircase at Dalton, when both those boys are gone.

He knew this was Kurt's rational side talking, protecting him from getting hurt again, but could it be truth? Was this just a trick of his heart, like Kurt said? Were they looking at each other and fantasying about someone they could never be or have? Kurt continued:

- There was a reason why you stopped trying to win me back and there's a reason why I never let you do it, we just need to find those reasons again and understand that our time has passed. Our second chance was never taken and now it's too late. So, here's my proposal: take some time to think and shake off this silly fantasy, away from each other. A week or so. We clean up our heads, sort out our priorities and then try to find the pace of our friendship again, how's that?

Looking at Kurt now, so eager to protect his feelings, he had to agree that losing their friendship because of a ruined romance would be far worse than living without testing the appealing "what if" of a reconciliation. Even though his whole body was calling for him to protest, to say that there were other reasons why he stopped trying, that it wasn't that simple to explain, he didn't.

- I guess I won't have any other choice, will I?

- Please don't be like that, I'm doing this for us!

- No, you're doing what YOU think it's right without even caring to know what I think or feel.

- Oh by all means, tell me what you think!

- I think that yeah, there might be a chance of you being right, but that's not the reason why you're running away from this. I think you're just afraid of what the other option may bring to you and you're using this "we're fantasizing about our past" as a way of not having to deal with the feelings you're having in the present. I think that yeah, I look back and I envy those times when we were together, but I want to have a chance with you because I love us now too. I love you now.

There was a silence after that with Kurt looking startled at his friend, speechless for a moment, until the ice look returned to his eyes and he just became downright angry.

Blaine was being selfish and naive for believing what he was feeling was love. How could he say he loved him with so much ease? How could he waste that precious word? If he had loved him all this time, then why did he stopped trying to get back together with him back when Kurt desperately wanted him to? Kurt spent a long time coming in terms with the fact that Blaine had moved on and didn't want him anymore and he was not about to lose all that process because of a silliness.

- But I don't love you. Not anymore. Not that way at least.

Those words cut through Blaine's heart like a knife and pulled down his spirit like a ice-cold shower after a afternoon in the sun.

_He doesn't love me._

He was so hurt. Once again he had put his heart on the line and once again Kurt was breaking it with his denial and fear. Years ago he had understood him, but now he just felt too hurt to care.

He got up and harshly said, before leaving:

- I guess that week apart doesn't sound so bad anymore.

Kurt was left alone and feeling empty. Had he just lost Blaine?

**OoO**

The days passed by with them still not talking.

Kurt took the week off, claiming he needed some time to finish his collection, which wasn't exactly a lie as he spent his days dwelled in his sketches, barely sleeping or eating and drinking unhealthy amounts of coffee. As long as he had his mind occupied with fabrics and measurements and styles and cut designs he wouldn't have to think about how he had probably ruined his most precious friendship, the one thing that usually kept him ashore and sane.

As for Blaine, after quitting Street Lights (which wasn't that bad of a decision), he now spent his days home watching old movies and writing new music, only leaving his bed for his gigs at the local bars, from where he comes back in the early hours of the morning, death drunk and too exhausted to think about how miserable his life is without Kurt.

Both of them had lost count of how many times they had picked up the phone to call the other or picked up a card to write something placatory.

It was hard, because neither of them could find a reason to be truly sorry for, they didn't think they needed to apologize.

As the week came to an end, and their situation remained unchanging, Blaine received a call with apparent good news.

- Are you saying you want me to come back?

- Yes, Robert was really impressed with you. I'm not supposed to tell you this, but he said you were the perfect image of the Tony he had imagined.

- Wow, that's… that means a lot, thank you.

- Don't thank me, I'm just delivering a message. He'll see all the guys next Monday after lunch, ok? This will be a more dance-focused audition as he already saw your acting and singing, so be prepared. But don't bother creating or coping a routine yourself, you'll be expected to learn one and perform it on the stop with Brooke and Zach, our choreographers. Questions?

- None! Thank you so much!

Blaine was so euphoric with the news that he called Kurt right after hanging up, without even noticing. It was only when he heard Kurt's faint voice on the other line that he remembered they weren't suppose to be talking.

- Blaine?

- Yeah, I'm sorry, I… misdialed your number.

- Oh OK.

There was a painful and obviously awkward silence.

- OK, I've got to go.

- Yeah, I'm busy too.

- OK, bye.

- Bye.

Blaine was about to hang up, when he heard Kurt's voice almost shouting his name again on the other line.

- Yeah?

- What did they tell you?

- Uh?

- Oh come on, I'll pretend I believe you misdialed my number, but I won't stretch it to the point where I don't know why you did it. They called you back, didn't they?

- Yeah…

- That's… really great Blaine. I'm happy for you.

- You are?

- Of course, you're still my best friend.

- Look Kurt I really think we need to talk…

- Please Blaine, I think neither of us is prepared to have that conversation. It pains me to be away from you… I really… I miss you Blaine.

- I miss you too.

- But I think we need this time out, it'll be for the best.

- I really don't see the point of ignoring-

- PLEASE! Just please, don't push it. I'm not ready. I have to go. Break a leg.

And with that brief and failed conversation the excruciating pace of their days returned to "normal" and they both submerged in work and unhealthy habits again.

Nick was trying desperately to take his friend out of the house.

- Please Blaine, one drink.

- Look Nick, I'm really busy preparing for my audition.

- Oh don't bullshit me, if you were really preparing for your audition you would be in a dance studio practicing your pirouettes and what not.

Blaine looked to his friend defeated.

- One drink.

One drink soon doubled into 2, then 4, then 8 and Blaine ended up the night being dragged away from Kurt's apartment by Nick.

- Nick, you don't understand, there's something I urgently need to tell Kurt.

- Well, I don't think 4am and hammered is the best scenario for that talk.

- 4am and hammered! That's so funny, it sounds like a movie title. You're funny.

So, Nick was obviously regretting his decision of taking Blaine out of the house.

As for Kurt, we spent the whole weekend locked inside trying to finish his line of red and burgundy dresses. His eating habits revolved around the vast variety of food composed by coffee, red wine and cheesecake.

Sunday night, Santana got home and found Kurt sleeping in the living room's floor with all his drawings surrounding him.

- Ok, that's enough – she said to herself – Hey, hun! – She shouted nudging Kurt with her foot – Hey, Lady Lips, wake up.

- Leave me alone, I'm just taking a short break.

- I'm sure you are. Now get up.

- Don't want to.

- I'm already angry and annoyed because Barbra Streisand's ugly sister used all the hot water this morning, so you really don't want to test my patience!

Kurt was up in less than a minute.

- Happy?

- Not a bit. Look, I know I may not deliver my messages in the most friendly ways-

- You think? – Kurt ironically questioned.

- OK, I don't. The point is, I'm worried about you, nevertheless. We never got to talk that other day when you went all Britney Spears on me and disappeared barefoot.

- That was just a drunk outburst, nothing more.

- Please, don't insult my Lima Heights trained perspicacity. I'm your friend, I know there's something wrong and I know it's something to do with Blaine. You can talk to me.

Kurt seemed to weight his options. With Blaine out of the picture, his close friends in New York were really just Rachel and Santana.

- You're right, it's about Blaine.

- Continue.

- He kissed me the other day and now he's thinking we should give us another chance.

- Did you kissed him back?

- Well… kind of-

- Did you enjoy it?

- What do you mean? It was just a kiss.

- You didn't answer my question.

- Of course I enjoyed it. Blaine and I were together for a long time, it's natural that a kiss can bring all that back.

- Are you sure it only felt good because it reminded you of what you've had?

- What do you mean?

- Are you sure it didn't felt good ALSO because of feelings you might have for him right now.

- I… I'm not sure. But even if that was the case, I can't get back to him.

- And why is that?

- Because… Because I can't.

- You know what? You are both the most irritating people I know. Everyone, even the homeless guy in the subway, can see that you were made for each other, you're one of those obnoxious movies couples that everyone knows will end up together walking towards the sunset, but you keep avoiding this reality in fear of breaking a clearly unsatisfying friendship. It's so tiring to watch.

- That's just an illusion, there's no such thing as "made for each other" or "soulmates". Why is it so hard to accept that we had our moment, but we grew out of it?

Santana laughed a little at this.

- How many times do you have to repeat that in front of the mirror, for it to sound less like ridiculous denial? Look, I know you're hesitant and insecure, I know you're afraid of being hurt again, specially knowing Blaine has the power to break your whole soul if he wants to and I know it might feel so overwhelmingly risky that the best option seems to be making excuses for not doing it, but there's a reason why this issue is still present between you two even after all these years...

**OoO**

Monday started in the worst way possible for Kurt. He had woken up from a restless night feeling a heavy weight in his chest that he couldn't quite pinpoint the reason for. Maybe it was the conversation with Santana, the weight of all those revelations and realizations that, he wasn't quite ready to admit, populated his mind.

He was tired and irritated and with zero motivation to go back to work, but not feeling like going out either. fortunately or unfortunately, the prospect of a day spent in bed watching Downton Abbey was soon broken by a desperate call from Emma's (his OCD patient) soon-to-be husband.

- Please call down, tell me what's wrong.

- She ran away.

- What?!

- She left me at the altar and ran away. I think her medication started to lose a little of its effect and all this stress about the wedding was really getting to her and I didn't help at all. Please, you need to help me, New York is not the best place to have a OCD infused panic attack, we need to find her before she hurt herself.

- Ok, calm down, we're going to find her, don't worry. Where are you?

- The wedding was supposed to be at the Trinity Church right next to Battery Park, do you know where that is?

_How could I forget?_

- Yeah I know where it is. I'll be there in half an hour, wait for me.

He showered and dressed and in less than 15 minutes.

- What's the hurry Lady? - Santana asked from the couch.

Kurt was frenetically searching for his phone among all the papers in the table. He was sure it was there just a minute ago.

- A weeding sprint! Oh I would laugh so hard if it wasn't so dangerous for the bride to be running around New York and if said bride wasn't my patient. God, where is my damn phone?! Doesn't it understand I still have to go all the way to Battery Park?

He finally found his phone.

- It died! Fuck, I forgot to plug it in last night. Could this day be any worse?

Oh and that question should never be asked. Everybody knows that's just asking the universe to get your day even worse.

**OoO**

Blaine woke up early and fresh that day. The excitement for his audition was muffling the sound of his broken heart enough for him to be happy. He started with a jog down to the park, where he embarrassed himself doing the dance routines he still remembered from the last time he had done West Side Story. He got home energized and ready to kill his audition, took a shower and prepared some fancy lunch for himself.

He was about to get out of the house with only a 15 minute gap before his audition, when his phone started to ring.

He frowned out of surprised when he saw the name displayed on the screen.

- Carol?

- Yes honey, I'm so sorry for bothering you, but Kurt isn't answering his phone, or has it switched off, I don't really know, and I really need to talk to him.

Carol's voice was trembling and quivering, caring noticeably worry and desperation.

- What's wrong?

**OoO**

Kurt had been searching for a ginger head amongst all the people parading Battery Park for quite some time now. He knew it was a long shot finding her here. A park full of people wasn't really the chosen place for an OCD patience to run to (chances were that she returned to a more familiar and secure place, like her house), but he had to try nevertheless.

He was about to give up, when he heard a familiar voice calling behind him and turned to see Blaine running in his direction.

His first instinct is too smile.

_Gosh, I missed him._

But his rational judgment was ready to tone down hi happiness and tell his friend he should respect his space and give him his time. That was just what he was about to do, when he noticed Blaine's pale expression, worried eyes and heavy breathing.

Kurt immediately knew something was wrong.

- What happened? – He could feel his heart hammering, preparing him for the worse.

- It's your dad Kurt. He's in the hospital.


End file.
